


addict

by baexil



Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Addiction, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Underage Smoking, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:15:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21739714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baexil/pseuds/baexil
Summary: He really should’ve been expecting the surprise inspection of their dorm.Maybe, a tiny part of him whispers darkly to himself, he wanted to get caught.
Relationships: Lee Dongmin | Cha Eunwoo/Moon Bin
Comments: 7
Kudos: 63





	addict

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that unhealthy coping mechanisms mentioned in the tags also include some vague mentions of unhealthy eating habits or eating disorders.

No one was supposed to know.

The first time he had one, it was behind the middle school building with a pack of classmates who were getting a thrill of doing something rebellious. He didn’t like it. 

As trainees, they were forbidden to do most things. Smoking would have been unforgivable. But it didn’t stop the older trainees from doing it. Looking back on it, Moonbin thinks they must have known their dreams of debuting were far away and so it was easier to have this small rebellion until they were officially let go. 

Moonbin didn’t feel the same. He actually felt pretty confident in his skills and if the company overlooked him, that was their own fault. He would surely bounce to a new company and debut somewhere else. 

But one of the smokers gave him heart palpitations every time he met their dark, hooded eyes. He was willing to have one every so often as long as it meant he could spend just a bit more time with him. He enjoyed the fuzzy feeling the boy gave him, even if he couldn’t put his finger on it at the time. 

It made for a pretty amazing first kiss, in a dark alley between their practice rooms and the dorms, even if he tasted heavily of nicotine. There was something pleasant about it, his large shoulders pressing him into the wall behind them, the smokiness of his scent, the bitter taste of his tongue. 

When he ended up leaving the company and breaking his heart in the process, Moonbin snuck to the nearest convenience store and for the first time in his life, bought a pack for himself. He went to the neighborhood park and lit one up himself. He coughed a lot, but he looked up at the dark sky, stars hidden from light pollution, and let himself cry. 

Back at the dorm, he runs into Dongmin who looks at him with a puzzled expression. 

“What?” He asks, voice husky from crying. 

“Nothing,” Dongmin says quickly and Moonbin uses that as an excuse to push past him and into the bathroom to wash his face. He just wishes it could wash away his red and puffy eyes too. 

That’s where the routine really kicks in. He likes to keep a pack on him as a reminder, a familiar weight in his pocket to keep him focused on what’s ahead. He won’t let what his senior did effect his work and it doesn’t, instead it motivates him more to put his nose down and work harder. 

Sometimes on really stressful days, he lights one, just to get the smell that reminds him of his first love. 

It’s not too far of a leap for him to start smoking them occasionally after that. 

The habit really sets in right before their debut. It’s always something he can’t control, something he needs to work harder on that he can’t just seem to fix. In pursuit of his perfection, it’s easy to have this one thing that is not so perfect. 

But he is careful. A toothbrush is always on hand for a potential idol, but deordorizer and mouthwash are staples that he keeps with him at all times now. A few items that are easily hidden in his usual practice bag. It’s not like he does it all the time, he rationalizes with himself. Just every so often to take the edge off. 

He doesn’t feel the pull of a craving until one time a staff member really reams into him for something that in hindsight he doesn’t really remember. It was possibly about his overactive facial expressions on stage or at a shoot. That is what it always seemed to be in those days. One moment the staff was reprimanding him, the next, all he could think about was getting out and into the cold, fresh air and lighting up a cigarette. 

In that moment, he recognizes that his habit has transformed into an ugly addiction. He also recognizes that it’s not one that he is willing to fix in the midst of the most stressful part of his life. 

And so he doesn’t. 

It’s easy to kick down the road. He’ll quit after their debut. But then there is so much public scrutiny that he’ll quit in preparation for their next comeback. But then he gets a new boyfriend, one that likes to see his perfect idol image crack when he expertly holds a cigarette between his fingers. 

That boyfriend doesn’t last long. His schedule gets too busy. But not busy enough for him to not nip out and take a smoke break whenever he can. 

His members aren’t stupid. He has gotten good at covering his tracks but when you practically live in each other’s pockets it’s hard to hide a burp let alone a thorny addiction like smoking. 

“Don’t let any fans catch you,” is Jinwoo’s sage and leaderly advice. 

Myungjun sees his oldest hyung title as a good excuse to pester and nag him as much as possible. He only backs off when Moonbin starts calling him mother hen in retaliation. 

Sanha is curious but he won’t let their maknae go anywhere need them which of course starts Minhyuk’s pointed looks and judgmental eyebrow raising. 

Dongmin, at first, gives him sad eyes every time he pops to their balcony for a smoke break. Those sad eyes on that ridiculously handsome face is not fair, it makes the smoke taste a bit more bitter than he appreciates. 

When it’s clear that Moonbin has no clear intentions on quitting and a few years pass, Dongmin does something that is mostly surprising. 

Moonbin had been looking up at the dark starless sky on their balcony for one and a half cigarettes when the sliding glass door opens up behind him and he looks back in surprise. Dongmin pokes his head out and has his practiced, charming smile on his face. 

“Can I join you?” He asks as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. As if Moonbin isn’t doing something that could get him in really big trouble and Dongmin casually asked if he could join in. 

“Yes?” He can’t help but keep the questioning tone in his voice. It’s been a few years since he picked up this habit and it’s the first that any one of his band members offered to join him. The company isn’t unwelcome if Moonbin is brutally honest with himself. It’s just unexpected, especially Dongbin out of them all. 

Dongmin grins at him and slips onto the balcony. He’s brought a throw blanket with him and, idly, he realizes that it is fairly chilly out. He doesn't feel it. 

A silence stretches out between them and Moonbin feels fairly awkward when he realizes the smokers etiquette is hanging over him. 

“You know,” he says at his own indecisiveness, shaking the box his teammates way, “In situations like this, I’m supposed to offer you one.” 

Much to his surprise, Dongmin perks up and asks, “Would you?” 

With numb fingers, he pats a cigarette out of the box and hands it to Dongmin. And it must be colder than he first realized because he swears his hands trembles as he does so. 

“Don’t tell Jinnie where you got them from,” he says. Dongmin seems to be full of surprises for him because he rolls his eyes at him. 

“Okay, I’ll just blame the other person in our group that smokes regularly, shall I?” Dongmin says in a scolding but bright in a way that only he would be able to pull off with that steady optimism and good looks. 

“Point made,” he grumbles, tossing the lighter to him. 

It does give Moonbin some satisfaction that Dongmin fumbles with both the cigarette and the lighter, unsure of which hand to put what. When he finally takes pity on him and helps him light his cigarette, Dongmin takes his first puff and immediately starts hacking everywhere. 

Moonbin is laughing, it’s endearing to see his bandmate react so innocently to a cigarette. 

“This doesn’t suit you,” he says between laughs. 

“No more than it does you,” Dongmin says after he gets his breath back, a slight wheeze still present. They fall silent both naturally turning to the dark sky and the flood of lights that fill Seoul’s skyline. 

“My grandfather used to smoke these,” Dongmin says suddenly. Moonbin’s eyes drift back to him and give him a searching look. 

“Cigarettes?” Moonbin asks. 

“Marlboro's,” Dongmin replies and takes another puff of his cigarette. He manages it without choking on the smoke this time. 

“Does it remind you of him?” He can’t help but to ask. He’s intrigued by this Dongmin. No make up, hair a mess, shivering slightly and his lips tense with the cold, no smile is present and his eyes look a bit downcast as he gazes out to the city. 

“Yes.” A heavy silence follows. 

“They remind me of someone too,” Moonbin says in a half-whisper. Dongmin doesn’t seem to have a response to that. 

“Maybe that’s why I like it,’ Moonbin confesses suddenly. He can feel Dongmin’s eye on him, but he keeps his out, towards the nighttime sky. 

“Like what?” He asks. 

“That it doesn’t suit me. Or our image.” Moonbin says, feeling a rawness at his words for the first time he’s spoken them. 

He’s prepared for a snarky answer or even a reprimanding. He doesn’t expect Dongmin to shrug. 

“Makes sense,” he says, taking another puff of his cigarette, scarily adapting to it. It might be the actor in him, “We’ve all got to rebel in our own ways.” 

And it’s a great answer. But it only makes Moonbin curious to which way Dongmin rebels. 

Before he can ask, Dongmin grimaces. 

“This is awful.” He says with complete disgust. 

Moonbin laughs until his knees go weak. 

“How do you even get rid of the evidence without the managers knowing?” Dongmin quickly follows with, clearly eager to be done with his cigarette. It’s a refreshing reaction that Moonbin hordes and keeps close to him, tucking it away to examine later. 

He helps destroy the evidence of their smoke break and while Dongmin doesn’t ever beg another cigarette from him, he ends up joining Moonbin most nights as he smokes, looking out onto the city pensively. 

They don’t talk much so it leaves Moonbin to use to silence to guess what Dongmin is thinking of. 

Shortly after they debut, vaping because a fad that spreads quickly throughout the country. Even their colleagues take to it with an eagerness. An almost undetectable way to smoke without any of those damning photos of smoke breaks taken outside. He has several mentors offer to get him into vaping if he wants. 

But he can’t do it. 

There’s something about the feel of the cigarette on his fingers, the burn of the joint as he breathes life into the red smolder at the tip. It feels more comforting than any of the machines he borrows from trusted colleagues. 

He’ll stick to what he knows. 

Most helpful of all, smoking helps him curb his cravings for food. Something he is supremely grateful for when their management starts to transition them from their cute and boyish look into something a bit more mature. 

He has to take more gym classes and skip more meals to get to the body that they are envisioning for him. At first it’s hard, his body doesn’t naturally want to do this muscle-y thing that every other idol seems to be able to do so easily. His abs don’t appear magically overnight but he grits his teeth and thinks of the cooing fans when he finally is able to do the thing he is getting back to do. 

Then it gets a bit addicting. He starts to slim down, his cheekbones pop and he actually spends some time in the mirror flexing and appreciating what he sees. He tries out a few more practiced poses that he’s been familiar with since he was a trainee and with his new slimmer frame, it looks better, and so he decides to go a bit more extreme. 

Fewer meals, more exercise classes, even some time in the gym himself making use of weights, and training sessions at home. He now does a regime of pushups, situps, and planks before he goes to smoke on the patio. Repeats it when he’s done smoking. 

“Food is done,” Dongmin says, opening their glass door. Moonbin is so used to him coming during his smoking sessions that he doesn’t even turn around, still looking out on the city. 

“I’ll grab some in a few,” Moonbin says, fulling intending on doing the opposite. 

“You’ll never build muscle without protein,” Dongmin says, purposefully light. Kind and reprimanding all in one swoop in his characteristically soft way. 

“I get protein,” Moonbin protests as he takes another drag. And he does, but with pill supplements so that he doesn’t have to eat every meal. He slims down a lot faster that way. 

Kind Dongmin surely knows he’s lying but doesn’t say another word as they lapse into their characteristic silence as they stare out into the Seoul skyline. 

Moonbin hits this weird stride. Everything starts to feel really normal. The busy schedule, planning on how to hide his smoke breaks, Dongmin’s quiet and steady presence, starving himself, never sleeping, dragging through hours of physical exercise on top of their grueling dance practices. 

At this point, his dirty little secret has become a well known habit. If he has gotten away with it for years, surely it’s because no one wants to know. Maybe this is a secret he'll keep. A secret between him and Dongmin who stares pensively out into the nighttime sky. 

But then, of course, the company finds out. And he doesn’t mean for them too, but he gets sloppy. It’s an easy secret between his bandmates that occasionally he slips. Sometimes his clothes still smell of smoke when he goes back into dance practice and he’s not so careful about hiding his pack in his room anymore. If his bandmates are fine with it then what does it really matter, right? 

But the managers raid their rooms after some blurry pictures of him holding a cigarette in his fingers is posted online. It doesn’t look like him but it doesn’t stop management from wading through their personal things. It’s not too hard to find what they are looking for and, boy, do they find it. 

It comes to a head when he is getting his makeup done for their newest music video. He’s been craving a smoke for hours now, there is something about having to make “handsome” faces at a camera with a bunch of men staring blankly behind a camera that makes his craving itch. That and he’s currently preparing for the shirtless scene that he is in charge of for this mv. 

They drag him to the side and admonish him. They tell him they are taking away his stash. Moonbin nods and plays along but he also knows that there is very little they are going to do while they are this far into their album preparations. So he stomps down the craving and the moment their filming is over, he goes to the local convenience store and buys another pack. 

He really should’ve been expecting the surprise inspection of their dorm. 

Maybe, a tiny part of him whispers darkly to himself, he wanted to get caught. 

He’s immediate put on house arrest and taken from all comeback activities. Despite filming the music video already, they ask the choreographer to redo the dance with only five members and put him on a tight watch. 

He’s going to quit, they tell him, whether he likes it or not. 

He really doesn’t want to. 

Honestly, he is angry. Of all of the good boy image things that he is amazing at playing up for their audience, cannot he not have this single thing to himself? It doesn’t interrupt their schedules, he’s careful to work around their hectic lives. It doesn’t affect anyone else, he’s even in peak shape, enough to even go shirtless for their music video. 

He has given up so many parts of himself that he the older he gets, the more he realizes what he has given away. His youth, his time, his sexuality. All immensely valuable things that he has sacrificed for this group. 

Why can’t he have just this one, tiny, flaw to himself? 

The only thing that bothers him is when his teammates are dragged through even longer dance practices to perfect the routine they already had down pat but now have to relearn a member short. Because of him. 

“It doesn’t feel right,” Dongmin whispers brokenly one night when Moonbin sneaks out to the patio for another smoke, “We aren’t whole.” 

At those words, Moonbin’s heart isn’t whole. 

Maybe he’ll try. For his team. 

Quitting proves harder than that. 

He has been laying in the dark, the feeling of hot ants on his skin, and he can’t seem to keep still. All that has been on his mind has been just saying ‘fuck you’ to the manager who has now taken to living with them full-time and stomping out to buy just _one_ more pack. It honestly feels like his skin is trying to turn itself inside out and Moonbin just wants it all to stop already. Surely smoking just one couldn’t be worse than this. 

Then his teammates stumble back into the apartment. He can practically feel how tired they are just by the sound of their feet dragging into their slippers and further into the flat. Slowly, he can hear them all stumble to their respective room but Jinwoo seems to pause outside their shared room. He watches the shadows underneath the door still just for something else to think about other than how badly he wants a cigarette. When the door finally opens, he’s surprised when Dongmin enters. 

“Hey,” he greets softly. His sweet bandmate smiles sweetly at him despite how tired he looks. He can’t count the number of hours it has been since any of them have been back to the dorm for sleep but he’s pretty sure he could count them in the circles underneath Dongmin’s eyes like tree rings. 

“Hey, yourself,” he says, wincing when even that makes his head thud painfully. 

“Not doing well?” Dongmin asks, practically slumping against the door frame. Moonbin aches more for how tired he looks than how badly he wants a cigarette. 

“Come here,” he beckons softly, reaching for the man. Dongmin comes to him like a moth to the flame. This is the first time they’ve done this, but he slips into Moonbin’s bed easily and they fit together like puzzle pieces, a bit worn from disuse but overall, they fit together perfectly. 

“I know it’s hard,” Dongmin says to his shoulder and Moonbin slips his arms around his waist and pulls him in closer. 

“Sorry,” he says to the skin of his neck. He might imagine it when the other hitches his breath but he’s fairly sure it’s not a fever dream brought from withdrawal. 

“I’m sorry, it must hurt,” Dongmin says, beautiful sweet Dongmin. 

“In more ways than one.” Moonbin answers vaguely. But it does seem to fade, the intensive itch the more he presses Dongmin closer to him and so he flips them over so he can crush the other into his mattress. Sweet Dongmin lets him do it, just closing his eyes, tilting his head up, and letting out a slow breath when he does. 

“Why did you start?” Dongmin finally asks. It’s been years and so many people have found out but this sweet man was the first to ask him. He can’t help but to choke out a laugh. 

“It’s stupid,” he admits right away. 

“Not stupid to you,” Dongmin reassures, rubbing a hand up and down his back. And Moonbin laughs again, hard and bitter. 

“My first love,” he confesses in a broken whisper. A long silence follows and it doesn’t feel uncomfortable but more like Dongmin is processing. 

“She doesn’t sound like a healthy first love.” He mentions causally. 

“He,” Moonbin corrects, far past the point of lying about this to this person who has sat by his side night after night, watching him and standing by him. 

“Well, sounds like he’s a dick,” Dongmin says easily. Moonbin laughs a bit more genuinely at that. It’s so Dongmin for him to not even bat an eyelid at the gender and focus on the unhealthy habit. 

“It was a way to remember him, at first,” he confesses, tucking his head into Dongmin’s shoulder, closing his eyes as his hands continues up and down his back, “Then it become more about control. About feeling better.” 

“I can make you feel better,” Dongmin says after a long pause. 

“Oh yea?” Moonbin asks but doesn’t believe. 

“Yes,” Dongmin says, cupping the back of his head and carding his hands through the hairs at his nape. Surprised, Moonbin picks his head up to look at the other with wide eyes. That’s when Dongmin uses the leverage to position him to brush the softest kiss across his lips. 

It doesn’t taste of bitter smoke or the tanginess of nicotine. 

Dongmin’s kiss tastes pure and makes his chest bloom with warm. He gasps and Dongmin smiles against his lips. 

“Get addicted to me,” he says, almost like a challenge. A hot curl of pleasure rolls down his body and he shivers down to his toes. 

“I don’t think you realize what an addictive personality I have,” he says in a tease that comes out too raw with the real honesty behind the sentiment. 

“Try me,” Dongmin breathes against his lips and pulls him in for another kiss, this time kissing the breath out of him in a way a cigarette wishes it could. 

**Author's Note:**

> GOD i need someplace to DEAL with the blue flame video and how hot those youngin's look and WHY moonbin has mysteriously been put on health leave so PLEASE excuse this pathetic excuse of a human for writing these sweet boys so fucked up. i love it bc i love to see them not perfect... UGH please also accept this unbeta'ed way for me to get out my FEELS


End file.
